By all accounts I should be very happy about the holiday season, but lately things have been weird. I feel a general sense of ennui, like there's always something I ought to be doing, and that I'm failing at it.
Part of it is my grad school applications. They need to get done soon, and I am getting anxious because I still don't know all the places I'm going to apply to, or for what exactly. There were a couple places I was looking at, and I think I have it narrowed down. The winnowing process was made easier by the $100 application fee. Stupid grad schools, restricting my whims.
Another part of it, I think, is that I have been working very intensely these past few months. After four years of university, I feel like I am finally taking my education seriously. This is one of the reasons I feel legitimized in applying to grad schools. Anyone who knows me knows that grad work has been on my mind for a couple years now. But only recently has it become clear to me that this is the direction that I ought to be heading. One thing that has become more obscured, however, is where I ought to be applying, and for what.
In recent weeks and months, it's been impressed upon me that I ought to consider a more full-time ministry vocation. I think part of this is a fear of academia, that I won't be able to succeed or excel. But I wonder how much of this is, at the root, just panic and paranoia. I think a more significant reason is the renewed passion and desire that I have to serve God and His church. I don't know where that will lead me, but I have friends and family who are praying and supporting me through this process, and I am eternally grateful to them. My friend Dave remarked that I seem to be doing the opposite of what a lot of folks at Tyndale do. As opposed to coming in wanting to be a pastor, and losing interest over the years, I came in wanting to get into academics, and got into God along the way.
In addition to educational reinvigorating, I've been meeting with a mentor, which has been difficult and demanding, but so good for me, and I feel better equipped than ever to be the man of God that I am meant to be. But I still don't feel fully equipped to live rightly; I will always need help. And I know that I have that help, in many forms. I have good, godly friends who encourage me and pray for me. I have Rachel, who prays for me and helps me to see things that I am missing.
Maybe I am not living up to the plan that God has laid out for me, and that's throwing my whole life off-kilter. Being better prepared, like I believe myself to be, I have higher expectations of myself. I feel a greater responsibility over myself and my relationships, as well as the world at large, not because I am anything special, but exactly the opposite. I have been learning a lot about submission, sacrificial love, respect and humility.
This has led me to reflect on the Biblical idea of servanthood. I am coming to an understanding of God as a servant. Jesus says that "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.
Rather than the stereotype of a servant as a servile, ignorant peon, I am beginning to recognize that a Biblical servant is ironically in a position of great power and knowledge. The Biblical servant, whether a prophet or other, knows that there is a right way for things to be, the way that the all-powerful God intends. And from that knowledge, the servant works for the building up and education others. Not so that they will owe him anything, not to earn their favour or to score honours for himself, but because the servant recognizes that "with great power comes great responsibility." And further, that responsibility is dictated by love, which God has poured out into our hearts. Love that comes from God must be a pure love, and anything that it inspires, if it is tested with right reason and real desire for truth, I think ought to be pure as well. You will know a tree by its fruit. Love for God, and the concomitant love for the creatures made in God's image, impels the godly servant to persist in his work. Love and knowledge work together.
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