Further regarding prayer

Ours is an uncomfortable peace,
Vague parodies of sacred space
These halls offended oft before
As spartan host will take their place

Sweet blasphemy anticipated
Flock and pharaoh elevated
Must this altar, too, be torn,
where holy sound once resonated?

Holy sound, come lift us free
From affinity to anarchy
Chanting bird and flowing fountain call us to rejoice in Thee.

The other night Rachel prayed over me. Over us, I suppose. She confessed that we had forgotten what it means to worship. That resonated with me. After we had prayed, I grabbed a book on worship that I've been meaning to read, and learned that worship is a couple of things. In the first place, it is a two-way affair, with both man and God actively participating; maybe it is man looking at something of God and praising him for it. I was at a concert the other night, where, for the first time in a long time, I felt drawn into an utterly otherworldly, worshipful state of mind, a spirit, I guess.

Now, the extended time that I've gone without worshiping is largely my own fault, as I've been skipping out on all but the crappiest churches (see previous post). The expected result has naturally been an absence of worship, for so much of worship is rooted in a community.

I have a few unresolved questions about worship, but it's now back on my mind at least, and I feel drawn to things of God, and perhaps to acts of worship, like prayer and scripture reading, and even my too-neglected fellowship with other believers.

I wonder where and how worship begins. Is it something that I can simply decide to do?

What is the most important thing about worship?

Is there a point where worship becomes something else, something simply self-gratifying? I've been told that almost anything can be understood as worship. Playing sports, writing, cooking, painting, laying bricks, these have all been championed as acts of worship. Is it therefore just a state of mind? A state of heart? Is there a difference between them, and how can I tell?

A popular temptation around this point is to say that I should be proud of myself for thinking and struggling with these questions. But I don't see why anyone should think that these questions or the fact that I'm wondering to be anything praiseworthy. Are they bringing me closer to an answer? Maybe. It's difficult to tell. I know that I certainly wish I had some answers, but I also know that my investigation into this will stop after I shallowly read this book. For some reason I won't pursue it further. I'll go to church a few times and get over it; it will stop bothering me, so I will stop thinking about it. If anyone reads this and is of the sort who pray, pray for me, that I would not get any peace until I've struggled through these things with clenched fists and tears. Thank you.